Rabbi's Blog - October 2010

Marriage In Crisis

27/10/2010

Naden is the Jewish term used to describe a dowry system. Boy meets girl, boy wants to marry girl – but it comes at a price. This is something that seems to have been in place since the beginning of time. After all, Abraham gave his trusted servant Eliezer a document attesting to his asset transfer to his son Isaac when sending him off to find a girl.

To be sure, a dowry is very much the idea of a bride’s family handing over some security to the groom as part of the “marital package.” Here, it is quite the reverse. Moreover, we don’t find any actually bartering taking place. No one is handing over money to the other side. It would seem this is more a case of Abraham knowing the family he is dealing with, needing to entice them with the life of luxury their daughter is likely to have. Many today still make money a priority on their wish list of potential suitors so nothing much has changed.

The dowry system has been in place for a very long time. Income transfers the family of a bride to the groom or his parents otherwise known as dowry or the groom’s parents to the bride’s parents otherwise known as bride-price have existed for many centuries. It dates back at least to the ancient Greco-Roman world. Germanic observance of bride-price became prevalent throughout much of Europe; but dowry was widely reinstated in the late Middle Ages. In medieval Europe and later, dowries were common practice among most, if not all, social and economic groups. Nonetheless, the convention of dowry has been historically limited to only four percent of the cultures and restricted geographically to Europe and East Asia.

In wider society today this practise is still only prevalent mostly in India. And, according to the researchers, there has been a five-fold increase on dowry demand there with no sign of the inflation abating. The social consequences are severe. The sums of cash and goods involved are often so large that the payment can lead to impoverishment of the bridal family. This has a devastating effect on the lives of unmarried women, who are increasingly considered burdensome economic liabilities. The custom of dowry has been linked to the practice of female infanticide and, among married women, to the more obvious connection with bride burning and dowry death, that is, physical harm visited on the wife if promised dowry payments are not forthcoming. The National Crime Bureau of the Government of India reports approximately 6,000 dowry deaths every year.

This brings me to the rub. According to a very recent article in the Hebrew Mishpacha magazine, because of the economic downturn and the rising apartment prices in Israel, the shidduch market has slowed down dramatically. The reason is very simple: fewer and fewer parents of girls can afford to buy an apartment for the couple. Many/most of the boys are still holding out for an apartment and there are very few parents of girls who can afford it. In other words, it’s not just an Indian problem – it’s a Jewish one too.

The article says that the dormitories in the Yeshivas are full because the older boys who should be getting married arent. One Head Dean said that usually around 30 boys a year get married, this year only 10 got married. The head of a post high school seminary said that in the past half the girls were engaged or married by the end of the year, last year it was only 10%. The reason is very simple, the boys are holding out for an apartment and the girls parents simply cant afford it.

I can personally attest to a relative who downsized their up market flat in Ramat Gan to a more modest one in Bnei Brak. It was the only way they could marry off their daughter. Most Israelis don’t even have that sort of opportunity. The hard fact is that the birth rate in more religious families in Israel is growing inversely proportional to the flow of income. An affluent member of mine, who always gave generously to learning institutions in Israel, had an epiphany one day several years ago when he observed to me how a few generations down the line the Kollel system would “hit a brick wall.” It looks as though his prediction has come to fruition much sooner than he anticipated.

I don’t know the extent to which this is a problem in the Diaspora but it is rumored that in the renowned yeshiva in Lakewood for example, different boys come with varied price tags subject to their learning capability and overall reputation. (It’s a fact that many boys would join the yeshiva just to get a reputation for having attended which would fast-track their shidduch prospects and possibly increase their ‘value.’ Similar I suppose to whether one plays for West Ham or Man U. The yeshiva has since introduced what has become known as “the freezer” i.e. you come in, you cannot leave before six months).

It is, I hope, safe to assume that we won’t see a reported statistic of even one dowry death. But we do have to consider what is going to happen. After all, it can take its toll in many other unthinkable ways. This goes to the heart of family life – a cornerstone of Judaism. The Charedi leadership is really going to have to get their act together. It took some time before an edict came out against large weddings which leave those keeping up with the Joneses worse off. Will it take that long before they call for the abolishment of the dowry system? I suppose it might depend on how many of these Rabbis have sons of marriageable age – and how long they can hold out.

Life Lessons The Chilean Miners

13/10/2010

Who could not be moved by the incredible rescue story of the Chilean miners? Sixty- nine harrowing days trapped more than half a mile beneath the earth’s surface, these thirty-three men confronted an uncertain future. With stale air for oxygen and limited rations of food, they remained oblivious to whatever efforts were being exerted above ground. Surely they will have each been wondering at different intervals whether they would ever see their loved ones and, quite literally, the light of day, again. Chile is after all, not of the most technologically advanced countries, and with well publicized similar such stories in other places, with more disastrous endings, they could only butwonder, “Will the same happen to me?”

This amazing story, that will surely make for a feel-good headline over the next many days, and certainly go down as one of the ‘stories of the year,’ in annual news roundups, conveys powerful messages to each and everyone of us.

We wake in the morning, head off to work, going about our daily routine, taking life pretty much for granted. Sometimes – alas all too often – something suddenly catches us off guard. On the macrocosmic level it could be an earthquake or a devastating terrorist attack. On the micro level it could be a sudden diagnosis, the loss of a loved one or unexpected financial turmoil. Suddenly we find ourselves stuck in that proverbial tunnel wondering whether we will ever see our way out of the darkness. What strengths do we summon? What reservoirs of faith do we draw in order to maintain our resolve in the face of the crisis? The Chilean miners demonstrate ever so forcefully that rather than throwing our hands up in despair and abandoning hope, we need to realize that even when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away, there’s always more than one way out – even if you have to dig. “G-d doesn’t over-impose upon His creation.” If the challenge presents itself to you, then there is something within you that will enable you to vercome it even if it takes more than once to access it.

On an altogether different level, try to imagine being confined to a room with the same group of people for nearly three months. How well would you get along with them? At what point would any one of them start irritating you? How would you then manage that? There’s no escape after all. If every one of the miners was to have conversed equal time to each of the other thirty-two, that would amount to fifty-one and three quarter hours of talking. Spread out over many days, that’s a lot of conversation. One could readily assume they shared different religious beliefs, political bents and life perspectives. The experience in itself would necessitate the very real need to learn to tolerate one another, even as they might not see eye to eye. Isn’t it the case that we fall out with others often over trivial nonsense, let alone personal beliefs and viewpoints? Shouldn’t we pause to consider that no man is an island onto him or her self and that notwithstanding our differences, when we face the challenges of life together, despite our differences, united we stand, divided we fall!

Finally, on a lighter note, also remember the lesson that Yonni Barrios is going to have to learn the hard way. According to newspaper reports, his wife Marta Salinas turned up at the special vigil many weeks back and was shocked to overhear one Susana Valenzuela also citing his name in her prayers. Each insisted to the press that when he emerges he will return to them. That certainly remains to be seen, though one can safely assume it will be his wife.

What with the fragility of relationships as they are today, and the unfortunate way we take each other for granted, not to mention the lack of time and devotion we share with one another, because “life” takes over – we shouldn’t have to wait for a crisis to force us to re-evaluate our priorities and learn to concentrate our energies on those people who are integral to our very existence. We really need to take time out – to pause and reflect on how much we truly appreciate those loved ones who add real blessings into our lives.

Life is a gift, every moment precious. We don’t walk around wondering what’s around the corner, nor should we. But we shouldn’t be taking life and our role within for granted either. We ought to always keep the future in our sights, stop putting off till tomorrow what we could have done yesterday, and live in every moment. A wholesome practical working faith is to consider, “if you only had moments left to live – who would you call, what would you say, would you go, what would you do,” and then, “what are you waiting for?” If we all practiced that more, we would be extricated the dark tunnel of this exile - Moshiach would be here already.